Broken

When I started this blog i told myself that I would only write when I felt like it was something that needed to be said. Considering it's 3 AM the night before the last day of class, I think it's safe to say I felt this was necessary.

My small group is studying James and this past Sunday we read half of chapter 3. There was one verse in particular that my co leader and I were drawn to:

With it [the tongue] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. -James 3:9

I have been dealing a lot with identity lately. Partially because of social interactions and recent events in my life, but the fact that I am also writing two papers on identity might have something to do with it as well.

One thing that I keep reminding myself is to not let myself be defined by other people or other situations.

It is so easy to let a situation define who you are. Or let yourself be defined by your parents, your siblings, your friends.

Or to let yourself be defined by a definition someone makes of you that just isn't true.

This is where many people would go on a rant on how we need to define ourselves and rely on our own view, but that is not what I want to say.

The only defining factor you should have in your life is God.

Because there is no other way you could possibly survive in a world that is broken, in a world where all of the people, including you and me are broken.

In a broken world, God is the only truth. Everyone else will fall short because He is the only perfect One.

So then the question remains, what do we do when someone tries to define us as something we are not?

This is where the verse comes in.

No matter what, this person was made in the likeness of God, and so was I, and so were you.

This is a part of ourselves we cannot deny even though some try to cover it with other solutions to fill the void in their life that can only be filled by God.

Getting upset will only make things worse because if we, if I, fall into this temptation to backfire then I am forgetting that this person was made in the likeness of God not matter what they have done.

A unity can be found in this bond stronger than any other relationship we can possible imagine. This is why this verse is so important.


Another thing I learned this summer that I seem to keep forgetting is that for it to built up things have to break first.

Salvation comes out of the brokenness we all face, it is just a matter of getting through it and facing the situation knowing that every other person we encounter is made in the likeness of God.

Hopefully enough of this made sense considering I was falling asleep for the last part, but it felt like something that needed to be said.

Sun & Moon

Go I wanna let you know I love everything you are
I'm waiting for the morning light to show a fire in the dark

Sun & Moon

It seems the hard days are outnumbering the easy ones. I'm trying so hard to remind myself that I need to turn to God. He is everything. I can't rely on others like I can rely on Him because he is all that I am.

Another person can't compare to that.

But I want to turn to the instant gratification of people who are right here right now.

Only in the end it isn't worth it.

Because God is the only one who can fill me, make me feel whole again.

I constantly remind myself of this.

Sometimes

I just need to write.

And disconnect.

If I could write all of the thoughts that keep pouring through my head and occupying my mind (instead of Kierkegaard which is what should be there right now) then I would. But I don't think it would benefit anyone.

Although, this isn't exactly a post I expect people to be affected by.

It's more of a release.

Hello I'm In Delaware is a fantastic song though, if you want to get something out of this.

Questions

I often feel as though I am attempting to live in two places at once. Staying dedicated to two cities 240 miles apart is no easy feat; it's not even really possible.

So I'm stuck at an in-between.

Neither here nor there.

So how can you completely devote yourself to one place and maintain ties to the other? Is it temporal?

When you are in one you are completely there and lose connection to the other place that is just as much a part of you?

Is that really devotion at all?




I just found this band and I just want to listen to them all the time.

Comin' Home by City and Colour

Indescribable

My head and my heart are so filled with words that I don't even know what to say. I just know I want to say something.

So I'm going to write something that has already been written.

You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place

Worthy, You are worthy.

I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth

Worthy, You are worthy.

Of a child-like faith and of my honest praise
and of my unashamed love.

Of a holy life and of my sacrifice
and of my unashamed love.

It was what I needed to hear, so maybe it's what someone else needed too.

Flow

I made a decision when I first started writing this blog that I was not going to post a lot of personal conversations. 

Obviously I talk about cool things that happen in my life (and by that I mean situations that God was very intentional about placing in my life), but I am careful about how much of my conversations I share. 

But I will tell you a little bit.

In one of my earlier blog posts I talked about how so much of my life was devoted to God this summer and I was terrified that it wouldn't last when I got back to school.

This school can sometimes feel like the most secular places in the world. And in many respects it is.

But this weekend and today alone I have had so many amazing conversations about God and Christianity with so many different people.

Friday night I had an almost two hour conversation about God and poverty with someone I had just met. Saturday night I had a two hour dinner in which the last hour we really only talked about Christianity and ministry. Yesterday I had yet another fantastic church/sermon experience that was all about being bold for Christ. Then last night I was having a conversation with some of the other girls who are really involved in the campus ministry I'm a part of.

We were sharing about our lives and recent happenings in them and when we were done talking one of them suggested that we pray. By the time the person who prayed finished I was in tears. Only two of them actually know why (yet), but I would imagine the rest of them think I just really love them (which is also true. I also made one of the other girls cry :)).

But the best part is, it still hasn't stopped.

It is still early in the day and I have already had a two hour lunch with someone talking (mostly) about God, a conversation about church and campus ministry right after that while I was walking into my dorm, and a conversation about Christ's presence in relationships with someone from my Bible study this summer while I was walking into my dorm. 

I realize that reading that probably got really tedious by the end since I am only telling you so much and they probably all sound the same. I will say, however, that each one was different, and beautiful, and the Lord's presence was clearly evident in all of them.

Even the song that came on my Spotify while I typed this fit perfectly.

Sun and Moon

A Variety of Thoughts

I find it so interesting how people find comfort in so many different ways.

Solitude.

Company.

A touch.

A quote, a verse, a song.

A talk.

They're all so different, but they all provide the same thing. And we all find comfort in different things each time we're in need.

It would be easy to separate this from the Lord since they all seem so rooted in other people. But I think you could argue exactly the opposite.

I had a Bible Study this summer that talked about our relationships. We started on our relationship with God and then talked about how every other relationship we have is so connected to our relationship with the Lord.

We can't separate them.

The truth is, a lot of our relationships are designed to help bring us closer to God.

Paul says, therefore be imitators of me as I am of Christ.

In a relationship like that, one centered on discipleship, we naturally grow closer to Christ as we grow closer and more like that other person.

I am in no way doing this topic justice in these pithy lines, but this is such an important message.

Every relationship we have has to relate to Christ in some way if we are filled with the Holy Spirit.

I wish I could explain this more eloquently, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I just don't write that way.

I often wish I did, but I get tongue-tied and can't get things out quite the way I mean them. So I prefer to keep things brief.

Hopefully someone finds that beneficial.

For your listening pleasure, here's what was on my playlist this week:

Calendar Marks

Joy Out of Suffering

I almost didn't go to church this morning because I wasn't sure if I could make it through without crying.

I'm just dealing with a lot of issues lately and it has been a common occurrence. I'm not really a big crier so this is not a fun experience.

I went anyways and in the very first prayer the assistant pastor said,

We are faced with troubles and sufferings, and if we think about them too much we will surely cry. But sit with us, God, and remind us that we are filled with you.

Then every prayer after that talked about dealing with trials and finding strength in Christ. The title of the sermon was "Faithfully His."

Seriously, how perfect.

It is surely the only way I made it through the service, and the whole time I just kept thinking how cool this is. It was literally like God was speaking directly to me through this man. He knew exactly what I needed to hear. I could picture Him sitting down next to me and putting His arm around me and telling me everything was okay.

I think I might start attaching songs to posts that I'm really enjoying.

Here's today's:

Times

Follow The Leader

Yesterday, my dad and I drove up to my school for move-in. 

We were both in separate cars so I had a lot of time to think. Four hours to be exact. 

I've been really interested lately in things in our lives that are metaphorical for our lives with God.

So we are driving up the highway and the leader kept changing. One of us would pass the other, then eventually we would switch. We both knew where we were going, but I am pretty sure he was doing it from memory (he went here too) whereas I had my GPS.

So I'm trying to find some sort of metaphor for this give-and-take relationship we had going on and I realized it's a perfect example of how we follow Christ. 

Really, my dad should have been in the lead because he's more confident with the route, but if I didn't like the pace he was going I would race ahead of him.

We do this all the time with God. We want to run and keep going when God just wants us to stay at his pace. Sometimes he kicks into high gear too and we are racing to keep up, but even when we lose sight of Him and can't see what He's doing we know he's there and we'll see Him again soon.

Really He should be leading because He knows exactly where he is going, when all we have to rely on is a road map. 

This summer one of the things I was trying to work on was prayer. I wanted to make it more meaningful and do it way more. I didn't have a set thing I was doing, I was just trying to remember to, but I was reading my Bible everyday on a journey through the New Testament with one of my friends. 

I didn't even realize that just by doing that and completely focusing, my mind was so much more set on Christ so it was easy to turn to prayer. Sometimes I would start reading then have to stop a paragraph in to pray because I knew my concentration would be so much better if I did and I would just have the strong urge to.

It has made such a difference in my life so far. 

I was so worried that this wouldn't last when I got back to school, but so far so good. 

It is so much a part of my everyday life I can't imagine it without it. 

I am taking part in this huge game of Follow The Leader and I just have to trust He is there and hope others will join me.

In Case You're Wondering...

I haven't thought of anything lately that I want to post online. I've had a lot of thoughts, but nothing I want to post. And I don't like writing posts unless I feel like they need to be written.

This will probably happen a lot.

In the meantime, enjoy this video a friend shared with me. She sent it to me right after I got my ukulele :)

You have to watch the whole thing to really appreciate it.

Ukulele Weeps by Jake Shimabukuro

I also love how he is sitting in a park and you can hear kids playing in the background.

Bringing the Darkness out of the Light

Everything is ending.

Last night my college girl's Bible study met for the last time this summer.

Tonight I lead youth group for the last time.

I'm caught in a blur of beginnings and endings and I feel like just shutting down. Blocking it all out.

But instead I am trying to make it as meaningful as possible.

For my Bible study's last meeting we talked about how we are a new creation in Christ. (Are you starting to notice a trend?)

We read Ephesians 5:1-21, but verses 8-10 really stand out to me.

for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

All of the darkness within us is thrown into the light. We have to expose every part of ourselves to God to completely give our lives away.

We have to expose the darkness so the light can shine through.

After we read this I had the girls write down the biggest fear or barrier keeping them from completely giving their lives to God.

I took them to my back porch and when we walked out "The Victory," by Phil Whickham was playing.

They put their fears into a bowl and I lit them on fire.

We destroyed the darkness with light.

Here is the really cool part.

I had sat down earlier in the day to plan everything out for the night. I knew what verses I was using but I needed to put it all together.

I started writing and kept thinking we needed to physically throw our darkness into light, and what better way to do that than with fire.

So when we actually did it one of the girls said she had just done a similar exercise the week before while she was on a mission trip in Nicaragua. She said it is amazing that you can do the same thing in one week and it can still seem totally different.

So when I sat down today to finalize tonight's youth group I realized I just needed to abandon what I had planned and do this instead.

I'm praying it will be a memorable last impression on these girls.

And the Sisters'

Chain

We remember.

The time he cried, “you hurt my feelings,” over and over again until we couldn’t take it anymore.

When the doctor told you just to use your “firm voice” and he would be fine.

The neighbors would say, “He’s just being a boy.”

After all, how would you know the difference when the three of us came first?

Why should you think there was anything unusual about him?

But we remember how hard it was:

The irritability, the sleepless nights, the unhelpful onlookers,

A grief process no one expected following the news.

I remember when you told me to stay away from the little boy around the corner.

He would pace in front of his house waving his arms.

None of us could have known that arm waving would one day be throat clearing to us.

None of us could have known how that boy would be a part our lives forever,

As indirect as the connection may seem.

He lives in your regret and our sympathies.

And that day he stood over me, eyes glazed black.

That boy was not my brother.

Not the brother I know.

Those fits of violence were not unusual,

But we tried to teach him.

I can’t imagine his life if it weren’t for us.

This boy who was so different, would not have been the same.

The Second in the Series

The next one is written in my mom's perspective.

Advocate

One more meeting: the last appointment of

            the day—psychologist

                        this time, but tomorrow

one of my own,

            the book club girls,

my only escape. But today:

            it’s for Charles,

            running him around, a present

for a party he was invited to. I remember

all the times no one invited him,

            this is important,

                        this is his first one.

Years ago, his old school—

            unprepared and underqualified—I had to

            step in so much: no one else

understands him, even people trained

            to understand                          didn’t see

            something more, than a boy

                                                            misbehaving,

not listening

or perhaps bad parenting.

The Poet In Me

Anyone who knows me well is probably aware that I am in love with my brother. He is one of my favorite people in the world. (I don't know if he knows this, but he is).

He also has Asperger's Syndrome.

We found out when I was in 8th grade--about 6 years ago--and ever since then we have been on this spiraling journey of learning and figuring out how to work around and through things. 

I took a poetry class last year and for one of our projects we had to write 3 poems that were connected in some way so I wrote mine about him.

One in his perspective.

One in mine and my sisters'.

One in my mom's.

So now I am going to share them with you. One by one. Starting with my brother's perspective.

Us and Them

I know I am not like everyone else,

They all tease me and I hate it.

Can’t they see that it hurts my feelings?

Can’t they see that I’m not that different?

They all tease me and I hate it.

I don’t like to follow these stupid trends they like.

Can’t they see that I’m not that different?

All they want to do is watch stupid TV shows.

I don’t like to follow these stupid trends they like,

I would much rather be reading mythology.

All they want to do is watch stupid TV shows,

I spend time studying possible careers.

I would much rather be reading mythology.

Unintelligent people agitate me.

I spend time studying possible careers.

I know I am not like everyone else.

A Cry

I want to share something with you.

With anyone who happens to read this, whether they are my friend or a random person halfway across the world.

Rather, I want to tell you about someone. Someone I want everyone to hear about and love as much as I do.

I want to talk to you about Christ.

Even as I type I realize that any words I could write will never be enough to completely describe the majestic, unfathomable, indescribable (insert any other word along these lines here) beauty and love that is Christ.


Christ came to earth to die for us. All of us.

He came to bear the weight of our sins so we don't have to.

So we could die to sin and have new life in Him.


And with this new life there is a promise. A promise we make to God to love him and live our lives to glorify him. It is not free of struggles, but we never lose hope because we know that we are not seeking glory here on earth because we were destined for another world greater than this one.

And in return God loves us more than anything (or anyone) on earth ever could. Our hearts are filled and everything else we love are just a bonus and way of loving others as Christ loved us.

We are complete.

We are happy, because we know he is our Lord. (Psalm 144:15)

And so we have no need to search for fulfillment because we already have it.

Do you want to hear the best part of this story?

This love that is so powerful and fulfilling is available to anyone and everyone.

All you have to do is accept it and give up your earthly life to live for something (Someone) greater than you are and ever could be.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to be completely filled.

And love.

And be loved.

Coincidences

I keep noticing all of these strange and fantastic coincidences in my life.

I was meeting with a beautiful friend earlier and she told me she had been praying for me and our time together and felt called to Ephesians. She felt there was something there for me. She was still searching, but she was particularly struck by Paul's discussion of Christ transforming our lives--we cannot be who we were before because we have to die to our old lives to follow Christ.

We die to sin in order to live for Christ.

Little did she know I had been reading Ephesians all week to prepare for Bible study and for letters I was writing to all of the girls in my college girls Bible study.

These coincidences are so cool when we notice them, and when I shared that with her we were both in awe at how clearly we could see the Lord's hand in it.

I had been reading the parts of Ephesians that talked about relationships, but I have been fascinated with the idea of being a new creation for a while now (it is the title of the blog after all).

Maybe God was just trying to remind me of that. To encourage me to be confident in the fact that I am a new creation and I need to let that show all the time.

Whatever the message was, I know that today was all God's doing.

As my friend said, with coincidences like this, there is no way it isn't because of the Spirit working in our lives.

Goodbyes

I'm not ready for them yet.

The beauty of my job is that it is built on relationships. Yes, I plan lessons and Bible studies, but I can only affect people if I have a relationship with them.

Last summer it was easier to leave. I was ready to let go and move on.

This summer I'm attached.

To the girls I have had a Bible study with for 3 years now.

To beautiful high school girls I wish I had spent more time with when I was in high school.

To incredible 5th-8th grade girls who are so young and so wise.

To my brother, who probably saw way more of me than he expected to this summer :)

To my sister, who I'm pretty sure only comes to youth group events to hang out with me. (I'm not complaining.)

And everyone else in between.

All of my relationships have gotten so much stronger this summer, and I can't figure out why.

But it's a good thing so I'm just going with it. 

Like my college girls Bible study (our official group name is Bible Babes/Call your Girlfriend, which you really can't understand unless you sit in one week, but this might clarify things a little http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_aJHJdCHAo). I have known some of these girls for about 7 years now and I think I have learned more about them this summer than all of the years I have known them.

Pretty much all of our colleges are in a circle and I am in the middle. I keep telling them they need to come visit me because big schools scare me. I think I might have to just conquer that fear though.

The last few weeks of summer seem to be flying by and I am so torn.

I finally got excited to go back, but I also don't want to leave.

These relationships are holding me.

Homeless

A couple of weeks ago I went on a mission trip to D.C.

The day after we got back a group of people from the trip went to the beach and while we were there one of my friends asked for suggestions for a sermon he was preparing to write. He wanted to include our experiences from our week in D.C. working with the homeless.

I remembered that on our last day during a reflection exercise we went around in a circle and said what we wanted to take back with us. He said something about an awareness that all of us are homeless, not just the people we had interacted with all week.

One of our first days there I read 1 Corinthians 4:11-13 and was struck by this same concept.

It reads,

To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.

For some reason a lot of people seem to think that following Christ is easy.

The Bible makes it pretty clear it isn't.

But it is still the most incredible, worthwhile thing we could ever do with our lives.

We are called to become homeless (like pretty much everyone in biblical stories was) in order to follow Christ.

So when my friend asked me what to write his sermon on, this is what I suggested.


He gave his sermon yesterday and I didn't hear from him until after that he had decided to use the idea. I couldn't go to see him because I had to teach Sunday school, but while he was preaching, the guest pastor at my church was talking about the exact same thing.

Unbelievable right?

I was enthralled listening to the sermon (I actually went to two services so I could hear it again.) He had taken a different spin and used Genesis and Revelation to talk about initial creation and the home God has been trying to bring us back to ever since we left it.

It was beautiful. And the whole time I kept thinking about 2 Corinthians 5:6-10.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

His whole point was that we try so hard to make this world our home, but we will never be able to do it because we are meant for something more.

(Ecclesiastes 3:11 would also be completely appropriate here.
..."He has put eternity into man's heart...")

Later that day my friend texted me to tell me he had used the idea.

When I told him the pastor I heard did too we were both a little awestruck. We compared the scripture used and my friend used 2 Corinthians 5:1-10. (I strongly suggest you read the first 5 verses too. They are a beautiful picture of our struggle on earth.)

awe.

struck.

It is so cool when moments like this happen.

When you know that God's hand was in this the entire time.

When a thought you had is also the thought of a couple other people. Then two entire congregations as they leave contemplating what they just heard.

And when moments like this happen, you just have to share them.